hilariously written profiles of our BARx Coaches? Remember how Tim was going to post a few at a time? Remember how he got halfway through the project and then...stopped?
*Or, the exact opposite. It is, after all, way more fun to write about alter-egos.
(If you need a refresher, read the profiles for Tim, Monica, Brian, Steph, Kristina, Ed, and Maggie.)
It’s hard to find something nice to say about this Belieber, because everyone who meets him hates him. He’s the kind of guy who invades your lifting space and yells “F**K YEAH!” after he PRs on ab-mat situps. Mirrors are a must wherever he works out, and selfies come second nature to this Insta-famous bro (@TonyTheTool). I once made the mistake of making eye contact with him in the gym. This invited a two-hour discussion on his favorite workout “attire” (his words, not mine): Neon pink Affliction t-shirts, skinny jeans, and a rainbow Junk Band. You’ll know when he’s at BARx because he always double parks his Hummer in the handicap spot. Besides “gettin swole,” his only interests include “miring” himself in the mirror and going to Nickleback concerts.
- What He Coaches: G.T.L. Gym. Tan. Laundry.
- What to Expect: Spray-on tans, fist pumping, and foul language
- What’s On the Radio: Justin Bieber. On repeat.
Do you even lift, bro?
Sick, twisted, and down-right mean. She wears nothing but black and doesn’t believe in shaving her underarms. I heard she kicked a puppy once.
- What She Coaches: Terror
- What to Expect: Pain
- What’s On the Radio: You’ll hear nothing but the sound of your own tears.
"Amazing Amy."Peace-Zen-And-All-Things-Tranquil JaneAnn
Her presence calms the storms and her voice soothes like the ocean. When she speaks, flowers bloom and Bambi appears. You’ll grow to love her earthy smell and hemp shirts, because her serene playlist evokes introspection and relaxation worthy of Utopia.
- What She Coaches: Peace, serenity, and tranquility
- What to Expect: Only hushed whispers allowed
- What’s On the Radio: Pandora’s “Nature Sounds” (on the softest volume setting)
Sit back, relax, and try not to fall asleep.Anti-Fun Abby
Nobody sucks the life out of the party quite like this one. Crotchety and bitter, Abby believes smiling causes cancer and laughter leads to babies. Her days consist of: grumbling out of bed at 4 a.m., driving 20 miles under the speed limit to the local Hardee’s, requesting the “senior discount,” playing Soduku, trying to get the neighborhood kids off her lawn, and enforcing a strict “lights out at 6pm” rule.
- What She Coaches: Knitting, modesty, and Price Is Right marathons
- What to Expect: Laughter’s forbidden
- What’s On the Radio: Nothing. Music is the sound of the devil
“Fun” is the devil’s middle name.MeatHead Susie
This swole beast hates running, metconning, and sweating in general. She’s “more brawn than brains” and can’t hold a conversation about anything other than weightlifting and protein shakes. When she’s not at the gym, you can find her prowling the local nightclubs wearing a backwards hat and sleeveless TapOut shirts that are 10 sizes too small. Twice a day, she takes her coffee straight from the devil (Starbucks) and mixes it with 4 raw eggs. Protein, brah.
- What She Coaches: Steel spines and steel minds, one lift at a time
- What to Expect: Cursing. Lots and lots of cursing.
- What’s On the Radio: Metallica, Iron Maiden, and Black Sabbath (on the loudest volume setting)
Bulging veins lead to bigger gains.Anger-Management-Dropout Cari
Watch out for this newest edition to the BARx coaching staff--she's easily provoked and packs a mean right hook. Her preferred coaching technique consists of rear-naked chokeholds and beating people with PVC pipes if they pick up the barbell improperly. Rumor has it her morning ritual consists of punching holes in walls, crushing soupcans against her forehead, and body slamming DJ while yelling "HULK SMASH!" In her spare time, I think she likes to eat small children and floss her teeth with electrical wire. But I don't know. The only talking she does is with her fists.
- What She Coaches: Wrestle Mania
- What to Expect: the first rule of Fight Club is to never talk about Fight Club.
- What's On the Radio: Drowning Pool's Let the Bodies Hit the Floor
She's an angry elf.
Much like 3.14 (aka Pi), experts are still trying to figure out the complexities of this guy. He’s like the Bermuda Triangle. You’ll go in, but you’ll never get out. Ask him about the lost city of Atlantis and Amelia Earhart when you’ve got a few hours to spare.
- What He Coaches: Quantum physics, molecular biology, ancient Greek philosophy, and How to Become a Billionaire Secret Spy Agent in Ten Days
- What to Expect: The unexpected
- What’s On the Radio: Pandora shuffle
He's an open book and you're invited to read.